At the beginning of this month, I turned twenty-three.
I had started to draft a newsletter in the days after my birthday, about how I turned thirteen in London and decided then that one day I would move there, and that ten years later, I celebrated my birthday in London again, having lived in the city briefly a few years ago, and now live in Scotland. I didn’t finish that draft, couldn’t seem to capture the upbeat, happy vibes I wanted. My mind kept drifting to how different my life is now than what I imagined at thirteen.
Thirteen-year-old me would be so utterly disappointed in present-day me, despite the fact that I’ve accomplished my (our?) dream of moving to the UK. My friends get sad or annoyed at me when I say things like that, tell me “no she wouldn’t!” I don’t say it to invoke pity, or to stew in a “woe is me” mood. It’s simply the truth: I was incredibly judgmental as a teenager, especially of myself, and I had a single-track mind when it came to my future: be a professional ballet dancer. Back then, I never considered I could live any other life. It was ballet or nothing, I would literally die if I wasn’t dancing all day, everyday (yes I know how dramatic that is, but I was a very dramatic child).
So what that most past versions of myself would be disappointed? Current-me is not. That’s been the most exciting thing to realize lately. Despite my daily anxiety and unpredictable bouts of depression, I am managing to live in a way that makes me so excited for the future. Not the very planned one I used to dream about, but the unknown, not-yet-formed future. And I’m trying so hard to live in the present, because time feels like it’s moving so quickly now.
One more idea from my scrapped birthday newsletter: When I was little, maybe eight or nine, I used to dream of being twenty-three. I thought if I could pick one age to be forever, it would be twenty-three. I don’t know what made me latch onto that number, but I remember wondering what I would look like at this age. I wondered what it would be like. I’m excited to find out. I think I still look a lot like I did as a kid, and at the same time, I couldn’t have imagined what I see now when I look in a mirror.
Something I decided when I knew I was no long pursuing a career in ballet is that I now have to make my life as amazing as possible, to make it worth the trade off. I completed a degree in English and studied film. I moved to Scotland. I’ve published poems. I’ve been to so many great concerts. I think I’m off to a good start. We’ll see how 23 goes.
A few things I’ve been up to since my last newsletter:
Handmade prints by Seedlings Studio of my poem “February” have started being shipped! I’ve loved seeing my poem in the hands of others. There are still prints available in two different paper weights, as well as copies of the Spring edition of Seedlings that my poem is featured in. Get yours here
I saw The National and Bess Atwell play at Edinburgh Castle! It was my first time seeing The National on my own, and my second concert of theirs where they played “Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks.” It was extra fun to hear them sing “I Need My Girl” from Trouble Will Find Me (one of my favorite albums of theirs) because of the line “I’m under the gun again” while literally standing beneath the castle gunnery, the cannons facing the crowd. I shared a few videos on Instagram.
To celebrate my birthday, my parents and I did a backstage tour of the Royal Opera House and I was geeking out the entire time. I was lucky enough to get to see the Royal Ballet’s production of Swan Lake twice last season, and I’m hoping to catch a couple shows during the 24/25 season.
I managed to see Bluets (an adaptation of Bluets by Maggie Nelson, one of my favorite books) at the Royal Court Theatre before the run closed. I still don’t really have words to describe it other than “it was so so cool!” I know, as a writer, I should be able to verbalize my feelings a little better. But sometimes the art hits you in such a deep internal place, it’s hard to figure out. I will say, Emma D’arcy was completely stunning, and I felt very lucky to have witnessed them acting on stage, in person.
I went back to the US to visit family for about a month and a half. Saw my cousins in Atlanta, and my abuelos and tía visited in New York. I spent a week with my sister in DC. I finally met my parents’ new dog George (he’s grown so much since I left)!
I saw Lizzy McAlpine at The Anthem with my sister and cousin Sam. I saw Maggie Rogers play her hometown show on her Don’t Forget Me tour with my sister and our childhood friends. The Japanese House opened, and I’ve been wanting to see Amber Bain sing for a long time, so that was great, and Maggie ended the show by singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” — I cried. I shared a few videos on Instagram.
At the beginning of May, Sam and I went to see The Outsiders on Broadway and it was so great! If you’re in New York City or planning to be soon, I highly recommend the show!
What I’m Reading: A Month in the Country by J. L. Carr, and The Road In Is Not the Same Road Out: Poems by Karen Solie. I finally finished Dune by Frank Herbert (I started it in November 2021, yikes).
What I’m Listening To: Trouble Will Find Me by The National, Charm by Clairo, Laufey’s version of Where or When.
What I’m Watching: Killing Eve (currently on season 2), and I rewatched Sense & Sensibility (1995) a few days ago. Last month I saw The Bikeriders (2024) and La Chimera (2023) in the cinema.
What I’m Loving: reconnecting with old friends! apricots! earl grey tea, slow mornings, and tumblr user geopsych and their gorgeous summery photos and videos of Pennsylvania.
